It’s 2:35am and for the fifth night in a row, I can’t fall asleep…
…and here’s why.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Photographer (I was into it for like, 5 seconds), bakery owner and baker (when I successfully didn’t burn a tray of cookies), therapist (I was told I was a good listener, s/o OG friends who knew me in this phase), vet (this was just unrealistic), ironically enough an exotic dancer (then I realized I can’t dance for shit, s/o OG friends)…you get the point.
Congrats, you guessed it. I have never known what I wanted to do with my life except for one silly, little, cheesy line: make a positive impact.
I’ve always been certain that I wanted to leave my mark. Specifically, leave my mark on you.
I’ve always prided myself on being that friend, that person, who is reliable. I’d constantly give my friends a smile, say a compliment, ask what’s wrong, throw a wave. It makes me happy to do so.
As long as they wanted me in their life. As long as I made their life just a little bit better that day in some way, shape, or form. Then I was doing life right.
But, then 2017 happened.
Literally when the clock turned to 12:00am on January 01, 2017 I was already in a weak and remorseful situation. 2017 started to unravel and to be straightforward, it sucked. I began to struggle in all aspects of life and found myself in a complete rut.
Instead of actively trying to make other people’s lives better, I found myself needing to get reassurance about myself and my life from other people.
Over the course of a year (’16 – ’17) there have been several people who have made an impact on my life, but unfortunately, I have not made an impact on theirs. And that’s upsetting.
The one thing I have always been certain of, that I have prided myself on, and I couldn’t even achieve it anymore.
Ironically, I had the exact opposite effect on these people. I entered and left these people’s lives and was easily forgotten, hated, or just neutral. But not a positive impact.
To me, that’s a failure.
You know, you’re told to surround yourself with positive people, those who inspire and motivate you, encourage you, who care about your well-being, those who want the best for you. That is the kind of person I want to be to others. And if I am not that kind of person to you, then I am not succeeding at my job of just being a good-hearted human being. I wish I was that person to everyone who’s ever been in my life. And to those of you who are no longer in my life, I am sorry. I am sorry that I couldn’t be that positive impact to you.
It is now 3:41am, and all I can think about is how powerful humanity is. We impact each other’s lives each and every dang day. It may seem so minimal but a dirty look or a friendly smile, they can change someone’s day.
Maybe you’re more powerful than you think. Use it wisely.